Living by your Core Values

What are core values?

Our core values are something that reflect who we are; they are like the foundations of a building. The foundation supports the rest of the building. When the foundation starts to deteriorate, the building walls can move, and cracks start to appear.

The core values we hold represent the core of who we are, they shape our beliefs, our identity, and what really matters to us.

Understanding what our core values are is the first step in building a picture of who we are in the world around us. They guide us to how we interact with our surroundings, like our Northern Star, helping us to stay true to ourselves.

When our core values are in conflict it is similar to when a buildings foundations start to fail, cracks start to appear in our lives.

So where do our Core Values spring from?

When we are born and make ourselves known to the world our list of core values are very limited; basic survival is the number one core value.

Generally, our parents or main caregivers would have the biggest influence on us when developing our core values. As we travel through life, the list of influencers grows, including the broader family, school, our cultural environment, and life experiences.

As we grow older, our core values can change or modify according to our experiences in life.

For example, someone who cherishes loyalty as a core value may find themselves questioning the core value of being loyal when they have experienced several situations of other people not being loyal to them, such as a partner having an affair and experiencing a corrupt business partner who clears out the bank account or a work colleague they respect manipulating the facts to score a promotion in front of them.

Your core value of loyalty may still be something you consider highly, however, now it is being tested, and it may become diluted on your core values scorecard.

Where in the future you might not stand up to a person who is vilifying a friend behind their back, whereas before you would have called out the perpetrator and stood up for your absent friend. Your core values have been diluted.

So our core values can change over time depending on our life experiences and how they effect us.

As our life continues to move along its journey, our core values continue to be defined, influenced by other sources such as our religion, work, peers, and also teachers.

The Importance of Our Core Values

Understanding our core values shapes who we are and influences how we react to situations or challenges; the importance lies in our actions being aligned with our core values.

Friction is caused when two surfaces are rubbed up against each other and in some cases, it causes so much heat that flames are generated, creating a fire.

When our core values are not aligned with our actions, there is often friction, like driving with one foot on the accelerator and the other foot on the brake. Friction.

Donna and I have three daughters, and when they were younger, there would be times when they didn’t like a decision that was made for them. Maybe going out on a school night.

In the decision process, one of us, when challenged, might have said in my case, “Go and talk with your mom about it” 99.99% of the time we would be congruent with our answer. The 0.01% was when I got it wrong.

Donna and I come from the same town in England; our families share the same experiences in coming to a new country to live. Both families are middle- to lower-middle-class. Our values on what is right and wrong are very similar, if not the same. The list just goes on and on about how the same core values exist in both families.

Just imagine if it was the opposite.

When faced with the same situation, we could have been going in different directions when making decisions regarding our daughters.

Imagine the ongoing conflict, each partner going in a different direction on how to parent their children. Friction.

We are faced with these types situations on a daily basis, our core values being relied upon when making decisions and choices, being tested what is right or wrong.

Through our choices, our actions are either aligned with our core values or not aligned. Understanding what our core values are is the first step to enjoying a frictionless life.

Where we have friction, we have two main ways of removing the friction:

Change our core values to align with our actions
Change our actions to align with our core values

Changing our core values intentionally can be one of the hardest things to do—possible but very hard.

Some of our core values are so ingrained they can cause immense hatred.

Tottenham Hotspur known as Spurs is an English football team playing in the English Premier League, the EPL, arguably the best league in the world.

The Spurs fans have such a hatred for an opposition team, Arsenal; they are both London teams. In the 2023/2024 season, Arsenal was battling it out with Manchester City to win the Premier League Cup.

In one of Manchester City’s last games of the season was against Spurs. Spurs was playing at home. The Spurs supporters were booing their own team and cheering on Manchester City in the game hoping it would help Manchester City win against their own team, so to keep Manchester City on top the league ladder ahead of Arsenal.

Manchester City won 2-0.

The Spurs fans hatred of Arsenal was so great, it was greater than the love for their own football team Spurs.

Fans the next day on social media were excusing their behaviour as being right, and anyone who said anything different didn’t understand the Spurs culture.

Imagine growing up with this type of hatred being drilled into you from birth. The conflict.

Recognizing our Core Values

Firstly we need to recognize our core values and reflect on how deep they are entrenched into our lives.

By doing this we can see how they are shaping our lives and if it is what we want to be.

Create a list of your core values the list can be as short or long as you like; however, more is better, as it will give you a more in-depth picture of yourself. See the list of 20 common core values below.

Take a couple of minutes to reflect or meditate on each core value. Give each one a score out of ten. Ten being the most important and 1 being the least important.

Recall an action where you employed the core value either in a good way or not a good way.

From here you can reflect on the core values and create a detailed picture of yourself. You can see where there may be a need for change, particularly if there is core values or actions that don’t reflect who you want to be.

Here’s a list of 20 common values:

Here’s a list of common core values and opposing values; use these for inspiration to create your own.

20 common values: